All your problems solved with Grandma Lyss

“If all else fails a nice early night with your hot water bottle will sort you right out”

Dear Grandma Lyss
After spending many years in a desert of solitude I have recently found myself in better fortunes but now am spoilt for choice.  One drunken evening I  found myself unable to resist the advances of not one but two gorgeous UBES ladies.  How should I decide which one is the fillie for me?
Yours indecisively

Dear Indecisively,
My, my you are in a pickle but I suggest you stop complaining and apply the eenie-meenie-minie-mo principle as all UBES girls are equally wonderful.  But don’t forget that others may want to claim their share too!

Dear Grandma Lyss,
As a more mature lady of UBES I have recently been feeling that my position as alpha female is threatened by the appearance of several sprightly and nubile young freshers. Even after a long day in the wind and rain they emerge with damn f’*@ing beautiful hair and skin. How can I recapture the attention of the UBES men?
Yours saggily and bedraggled

Dear Saggy,
There are several options open to you but I consider sabotage to be the best way forward. Why not steal their shampoo and craftily replace it with that leftover sausage fat from the grill. Failing that, with so many narrow ridges and and lofty heights at your disposal, a gentle nudge would provide a swift (and satisfying) resolution.